Time

One year ago.

One year ago I took a plane. There were two oceans between me and my destination. There were so many things other than that, you know? Yet the bridge was simple to cross. Two flights.

I'll never forget the smell. I had never been in such a dry place before. The sun was starting to set and the air humidity was barely nothing. I remember feeling the heat rising up from the floor and I began to realize what had happened.

I now know I'll never again be that person that came out of that El Al airplane. Her I can't really remember. But I do remember that this trip made me take a vow: never to forget. And now I choose my memories very carefully, never to forget what truly matters in life.

A few months later I came back to get that part of me that stayed there. I now know that much of what I dreamed of in those four months wasn't true. But I made it true by wishing, just to un-wish it as I got there. But much of what I expect was true. And there were surprises I really didn't see coming.

And then I become someone else two. Someone more alike to the one that writes to you today. I now feel much wiser and whole. I feel older. I feel more responsible in my own skin, for my own acts. And now I feel I can be true to what I decide to become, where I like it, with who I like. And I feel empowered to make any decision in the path that lies ahead. And I now know, from these experiences I've had, that good things are placed all along this path.

One year. Hey, what a year...

coexist

only from looking at the other we can understand the world - even our own. The other shows you everything you are and everything you're not. And it gets to you. And you'd rather not see it.

But from the moment you perceive the other's existence, he becomes part of your history, too - and it's impossible for you to stay the same, even if you want to ignore him. Everything you see is also your responsability from the moment you do. Always...

Therefor, your existence can olnly be whole if the other also has the right to a full existence too. If the other becomes your responsability, it is also your duty to fight for his right to exist.

I'm not talkingg about tolerance. Tolerance is the worse form of reactivity. And these situations ask for as much proactvity as you can give! We need to understand as much as we can that the other is who he is, and at the same time, to act as much as we can to make sure he can be what he is, since coexisting is not living side-by-side with someone, but fighting for their right to be as much as you.

If you can realize all of this, do something.

The people that are trying to make this world less good aren't taking a day off. Why should I?

Anticipation

It kills me. To wait for something is one of the most mean thing you could do to me. It kills me to not know what's gonna happen - and I absolutely love it.

In the past few months I've been learning to play it by ear to see what comes next, and it really has been working out fine for me. I've found out that not knowing what's gonna happen next [and nothing beats not knowing what's gonna happen next] opens space for just about anything to happen. And don't you think that's much much better? Because, even though my imagination works like a charm, one can only imagine inside one's borders of thought, limiting what could be. Giving room to chance gives to new things you could'nt even imagine.

And when I said that waiting, for me, was brutal, I said that based on the same point: imagination. Waiting is the one thing that possibly brings out the worst part of our imagination, almost everytime waiting for the worse. And that's why I choose not to wait - when I can - and to make it clear for those who know me that I really dislike waiting. Even better, now I find things to do while I wait. Like writing about it.

Enjoy the Silence

It's incredible how words are over-rated. In moments of silence we're supposed to find true peace, tranquility, wholeness. And we don't get much quiet, nowadays. So how are we to find true self in the middle of this whole mess?

The matter of finding space to breathe has allways been inherent to the human being. Finding our own voice, expression and everything that comes with it. And our space is created by the silence we can get from people, with is somewhat a reflection of their respect for us and how much do thwy want to hear us, what we have to say.

As we give more space to silence, words begin to receive their rightfull weigh. The words of someone who usually keeps quiet are more valuable than most, because being economic with words increases what they're worth.

Because we should too give words the power they deserve. I've heard some stories you wouldn't believe. I've listened to testemonies most people wouldn't see in their wildest dreams.

And the most important part of all of this is to meet the balance and be able to differ what should be forgotten and what should be cherished and kept. Because you must have something to remember and to thing about during your private moments of silence.

Today we remember the death of aproximatly 22.000 people over the 60 years since the independence of Israel. They died due to the wars, the terrorist strikes, whatever. Their voices now silenced by time, but their stories forever kept in the history of the country and, thus, of the world.

In this day, we take one minute of silence to honor these people. We can use this minute in many different ways. We can wonder about their lives or their deaths, we can think about the difference they made. This silence that is somehow forced on us by the power of the day brings us to think about many different aspects of these lives.

We should really take more minutes of silence.

Just sharing...

One of these days I dreamt the funiest dream. I dreamt I was in a new season for my own life's tv series. The season began in Israel, with some similarities with the previous one - all very nicely shown at the "previously, on Ilana Bergher's life..." - and understandable.

What was really funny was that, even though some of the people were the same as in Rio, one of the actresses had changed! And I kept talking o her and thinking to myself "oh gosh, this really is her!!"

Good, hu? =]

Path

Once again speaking of choices, let us talk about destiny. Some say our path has been set for us from before we were born, before we could choose. That's one way to see it, but I think it only tryes to put the responsability for our coices in somebody else's hands.

What I really think makes our destiny is every choice we make and the ones envolved in our future make.

If I make that overseas journey or not. If I choose to go to this college and not the other. If I take this bus and not the other one. If I go to this club and not the other. If I wake up 5 minutes later, if I look away too fast on a subway train. All of this, divided by all the people that actually take part in our future, that's what actually makes destiny what it is.

I once tryed to write this and give it away to a lot of people. I used to leave this note for people to find in buses and street benches. Maybe online it will work too.

Concept

It's incredible to see how different concepts - simple words made up by man to try and define a common sense of something to almost everyone - can seem to each one of us. How one simple word can mean so many different things to different people.

Love. Hope. Intimacy. Sex. Death. Complicity. Sharing. Trust. Loyalty.

It's amazing how human beings can assume that something like four or five lettes can capture the feeling of a moment. I don't think they can, most of the time. I do believe that, sometimes, you can only show in gestures what you mean. And, even so, it's not everyone that'll understand what you mean...

Most of the time, people will think they understand you. Most of the time, they won't.

I'm not really sure that you'll understand what I mean, if I'm not using the right words for your concepts. Because what you also have to realize is that, sometimes, it will apear as if we are using the same words for the same moment, when we might not be doing that. When we say I love you, when we say I trust you. When you think you can't get any closer to this person.

And, on the other hand, you have to realize that there are really different names for the same things. In another language, but also in ours, even if you consider body language.

I really wan't you to understand me. Get me. For real. I don't see how and I'm not really trying as hard as I could, even though I want it. Bad. I don't know if you can see that, and don't think it will be easy.

Do you get it?

Someone new...

An average human being changes all of the skin in his body in aproximately 90 days. Time passes and you actually change. You feel, act and look different because you really are. I´ve been away for that long, thus, became someone new too. Left my brazilian summer skin behind and aquired a new israeli winter one, influenced by the sand at the beaches in Tel Aviv and the snow at the Golan Heights, from the touch of new people to the absence of the ones that just weren´t there...

But this new skin is also to be shed, giving space to a new person, already mixed between what was and what will be, since we're always in motion...

What's left for real are the scars life leaves in us. And now I stop talking about skin as a metaphor, but about the invisible scars we carry with us and make us stronger and more fragile. It stays there like a private personal tattoo just for ourselves - most of the time not even the ones who inflicted them on us will notice.

But this is what comprises the essence of "I". You are. I am - always! And the skin may change, be sure it will! But we keep our DNA and we make it new time and time again. so next time we meet, ask me if I'm someone new. Ask me if I feel any different. It´s as outsider as it gets, as internal processes go, to change the skin you live in. ´Cause sometimes it sure feels like it´s not gonna hold me inside...